Remember the days when boys had cooties? And all you had to do was chase someone around the playground to show that you liked them? We didn't know then how simple it was, but looking back, it was. And now, more than ever, I wish I could go back to those days on the playground, chasing the boy I like. Kicking him. And then running away. Or the days of "So, my friend Sara said that Ashley told her that she was told by Megan that Haley was told by Nicole that she heard from Addie that Destiny told her that she heard from Samantha that Emma told her that she was told by Lily that Cierra likes your friend Dustin's brother Jacobs friend Adams brothers friend Nolan. Do you know if he maybe possibly kinda sorta somewhat likes her back?" And the guy would reply with a simple answer, because guys were always simple that way, and girls were ridiculous, confusing, and complicated.
I wish I could go back to those times, because it was so much easier than walking up to the guy you like and saying, "My feelings for you never went away. But I'm afraid I lost the one chance I had with you because its been so long since we've talked about this and your feelings might have changed. I need to know if they have?" Or even just flat out saying "I like you." Because even though there are many less words than saying who told who what, those few words are so much stronger. And you're putting your heart right there in someone else's hands. The heart is a vulnerable thing and it's so hard knowing that everything lies right there in those words. A simple "I like you." can either result in "I like you too." or "Uhm, ew. Go away." Two completely different outcomes from the same three words. And when you haven't the slightest clue what that other persons response is going to be, saying those three simple words can be the scariest thing in the world. It gets even worse when that person is your best friend. You're taking several chances there. The friend can like you back, and you can get together, taking the friendship to a new level. It could be amazing, you could love your friend in a new way. But what if things don't work out after so long and you break up? Do you go back to being friends? Can you? If not, you've lost one of your best friends. And then the other side.. What if they don't feel that way about you? Not only do you get hurt, but things can become awkward. Now you've put your oh so vulnerable feelings out there, had them crushed, and created awkwardness. What do you do when you see that friend from then on, pretend nothing happened? Talk about it? Say it was a joke, you were dared to do it? Or maybe the friend doesn't like you, but doesn't hold it against you, and nothing has changed at all?
So many questions all just for something that used to be so simple. I want to go back to the days that you ripped a piece of paper out of your notebook, picked up your pencil, scribbled "Do you like me? Check yes or no." and had your friends pass it to the boy in class that you like. He'd circle one and send it back. And if it was a no, you could truly pretend nothing happened because it was on paper, so it didn't really count after all, right?
Now I don't know what to do. I can't tell a friend to tell another to tell another and so on and have one of them ask one of his friends if his friends friends friends friend knows how he feels about me. I can't write him a note and shrug it off if it says no, because fact is.. Things written on paper do count. And going through a line of that many friends.. Well the answer isn't reliable. So I have this friend. He's absolutely amazing. I could be in the worst possible mood, crying, and he can make me smile and laugh without even trying. He always knows just what to say to make me feel better. He makes me feel good about myself, tells me that I deserved better than the jerk that broke my heart, says I can talk to him about anything, hugs me when I need it, holds my hand and sings to me, laughs at my lame jokes, talks to me when he needs someone to lean on, picks on me, beats me up, but does it with love, has several nicknames for me, and thinks that me just being me, is good enough. Two years ago, I told him I liked him. He told me to leave the guy I was with, that he was a jerk and I deserved better. I didn't want to ruin what I thought was my "forever" .. I stayed with the jerk. My friend tried to kiss me, and I turned away. Two years have passed, my "forever" left me for someone else exactly five months ago today, my friend dated a girl for a year and finally broke up when he found out she cheated on him. And now here we are, both of us alone, and my feelings have not changed, except they got stronger. The guy I once liked when I was dating someone else is now the guy I love. The guy I find myself thinking about constantly, wanting to be with him. He's the guy that I'd be willing to let be my "forever.".. The guy I'd be willing to hand my vulnerable heart to. He's the one guy I can count on that has not once, ever, truly let me down. He's the guy I want to be with, but I'm too afraid to tell him that I still feel the way I used to. Too afraid to tell him I wish I could go back in time, take his advice, leave the jerk, and stand there in the dark that night, shivering, knees shaking, and keep my head up when he leaned in. He's the guy I love.
So I see him every day, we talk, we laugh, we beat each other up. I don't know if he's clueless, he just might know how I feel. But I don't know how he feels anymore, and it just might help if I did. Because even if he doesn't feel the same, things won't change. We've gone through it before, and nothing was different. But am I willing to risk it a second time? Things might be different. I don't think he feels the same, and even if he does, he's not ready to move on. But maybe something could happen eventually. The truth is, I have no idea how he feels or what is going to happen. But I do know that it's driving me absolutely crazy sitting here not knowing a thing. And in the end, even if he doesn't feel the same, at least I'll know how he feels, and I'll have gotten this off my chest. It might just be the scariest thing I'll do, telling my best friend how I feel. Because "I love you" aren't easy words. And this is most definitely no easy situation. But where will I be years from now? I could be there, wishing I had taken this chance because it turns out, he did feel the same, and I'll be sitting there in regret once again.
So two years ago, I had a chance with him. But I stuck with the guy I thought I was going to spend forever with. That ended five months ago, breaking my heart. I thought he was the one for me, but I was wrong. So now I'm back here, thinking about my best friend. That has been there for me since it happened, reminding me that he was a jerk and I deserve better. So I remember two years ago, and how I screwed things up. He was literally the one that got away. I lost my chance with him two years ago. I'm not going to let being afraid make me lose a second possible one.
