January 30th, 2010. That's when you first came into my life. Except I didn't know it was you. We talked, got to know each other, and you made me laugh. You made me smile. After the crap I had been through, it felt good to be noticed again. Even if you were only just a guy online. You only lived a couple hours away. That meant the possibility of meeting. Things heated up, got serious. I fell for you without meaning to. Found myself staying up until 4am on a school night just to stay lost in conversation with you. I fell asleep in class, daydreaming about you. I couldn't wait to get home to talk to you some more. You became my main focus, all on accident. But accident or not, I started to love you.
But then I found out you lied. And it wasn't about anything serious or anything that mattered, just the picture you used and the name you claimed. They weren't really you. But that's not what mattered. The fact that you lied. And I had already been lied to so many times. Lied to and hurt. And you did the same thing. I could've forgiven you for what you lied about, but you kept lying. And it only got worse. You played me again and again. Made me fall for that same charm that was always you. And then you'd tell the truth and break my heart once again. Each time I finally thought I found something, a good guy, it blew up in my face and I fell apart again.
Truth is, we broke each others hearts over and over again. We both hurt each other. We both loved each other. And we both tried to move on, but we always found our way back. You were always there for me to talk to and count on. Despite all the times you hurt me, you were also always there for me. And as much as I pretended not to and tried to ignore it and push it away, I still and always did love you.
And then the time came when we finally met face to face. And it was so awkward. I remember how surprisingly tall you were. And so incredibly dorky with your blue plaid shirt, glasses, and awkward stance. The way you kinda rocked back and forth while we stood in the many aisles of Walmart, trying not to be the first to break the silence we held so strongly between us. And each time we hung out after that, we got closer and closer. Then the night came that you almost left me again. And I finally decided to be honest. To you and myself. And I told you I still loved you. So you asked me on a date. And coming home from that first date... I had known all night you wanted to kiss me. I could feel it, see it in your face. And then we got back to my house. And you still hadn't done it. But I had secretly been wanting you to. And you almost let me leave without doing it. But I leaned back in and made the first move. And a little later, when you came back, and I came outside in the rain, wearing my pajamas, we kissed again. And it was a little weird. Different. But not bad. Just.. Like a kiss from the guy you've loved for almost a year but had too many problems with during that time should feel like. A lovely awkwardness sweet to the lips.
Eventually, after about a month, you took me back to your house to meet your family. And I was terrified. You practically had to drag me in the house. But after a few times of this, my shyness started to fade. And then it just became the obvious thing that I was going to your house for the weekend. The first time was only for a night. The next couple it was for two. Then one again. Then it moved back to two and somewhere along the way, it turned into all three nights of my weekend that I was spending in your arms. And it all felt so right. When this all started, that's when I truly realized how in love with the real you I was. It no longer mattered all the crap you had put me through. I forgave you because I love you. And I understood that you did whatever you could to be with me, even if you didn't go about it in the right way. But I still forgave you, because you forgive the ones you love.
Weeks passed. I've been coming up there for months now. And each time you bring me home, it gets harder to say goodbye. Because I no longer want to spend any time without you. My best moments are spent laying in your arms in the morning, when we first wake up. The way you snuggle up to me and call me beautiful, despite the fact that we both know my hair's a tangled mess, my make up is smeared, and I have morning breath. But you kiss me anyway. And you hold me. And make it so hard to get up. Because I could truly spend forever, laying there, on that bed, right there in your arms. And the nights we have our tickle fights. Your sister getting mad cause she can hear our annoying giggling. And we just wrestle around and tickle each other, laugh til it hurts, and then hug. We play around and everyone always takes my side when you pick on me. But I just love that we can goof off together. Like when we lay in bed and rawr back and forth at each other.
We may fight sometimes. And sometimes it feels like that might finally be it.. But it never is. And it never will be. Because we always make it through. Because we love each other. More than anything. But sometimes in those moments, I get scared. I think I might lose you. But if I take the time to think for even a moment, I know I won't. Cause I know we'd both be lost without each other, and we've proven time and again that we just can't last that long not being together. The reason for this?
You're my whole world, boo. There's not enough space on the entire internet to talk about all the amazing memories we've shared in the year and few months we've known each other, or the six months we've spent actually around each other in person, or the three months we've officially been a couple, or even just the way I feel about you at all. Because I'm so beyond in love with you that it drives me crazy. I lose myself thinking about you and all that we have. And how lucky I am that I have such an amazing guy. Someone who actually loves me back the way I love him. There's no greater feeling than when you look me straight in the eyes and tell me you're in love with me. I still get butterflies when we kiss. My heart still feels like it's on a roller coaster when you whisper sweet things to me. I still can't contain my smile when I wake up next to your cute face, even if you had been driving me crazy with your snoring all night. Some might say it's too soon to feel the way I do about you. That we've only "really known each other" for a few months. But I feel like I've known you my whole life, because we're so alike. We love almost all the same things, agree on almost everything, and even finish each others thoughts and sentences. I've never been more sure of anything when I say you're my soul mate. My other half. At just barely 19 years old, I'm content.. Happy.. In knowing I get to spend the rest of my life with you. My best friend. My love. And I'm writing you this letter to try to make you understand. Understand that no matter what happened in the past, I'm over it. No matter what happens in the future, I'll get over it. I'll always love you and I'll never leave you. Because leaving you would mean leaving part of me. I would never be whole again. Call me cheesy, sappy, your little quesadilla, whatever. I want you to know exactly how I feel, cheese and all. I can't wait to move in with you after this summer, spend all my mornings waking up next to you, falling asleep in your arms every night. The future seems so perfect, no matter what obstacles we face, because you'll be by my side. I love you, Chris. My dinosaur. My penguin. My boo. My cupcake. My love. And I'm never going to stop. Look at all that we already have behind us, the good and bad. And think.. This is only just the beginning. We still have the rest of forever to create many amazing memories and to share our love. And that.. Always makes me smile. I love you, baby. Always and forever. <3
