"I could say I'm falling in love with you"

I'm trying to update this more periodically, though pretty much no one even reads it. Oh well. Here it goes...

My eighteenth birthday was two days ago. Everything went good and I got my lip pierced.. Snake bites to be exact. I'm quite excited about them. I was also excited about yesterday. The plan was for Cierra and I to drive two hours to Portland and spend the day there, as I mentioned in my last blog. I also mentioned that I was going to be meeting Adam, my dinosaur. That was the plan anyway. But as I've come to realize in my life, almost nothing goes according to plan.

Cierra and I made the trip there, drove around for two hours, lost, because we missed one simple turn, and finally found where we wanted to go. We were supposed to meet Adam around 2:00. He sent her a text shortly before saying he could no longer go. Who knew that it would hurt this bad?

I did my best to have fun anyway, holding onto a small false hope that he might make it there. It never happened. Instead, I had the most difficulties I have ever had trying to eat a cheeseburger. I started to slightly fall on the escalator, which I'm terrified of. Took an elevator, which also freaks me out. Got asked out and totally hit on by a complete stranger. Almost blacked out. Spent an entire hour walking around the cold dark streets of Portland looking for a bathroom. And cried on the way home and at home. But don't get me wrong, it really wasn't that bad. We took lots of pictures, went to the Rose Garden (memories!) and danced in a parking structure. I had fun. But that one (big) part of me couldn't stop wishing Adam had been there. When I cried at home, it wasn't just because we lost our meeting opportunity, but also because it could take forever for it to happen now and also because the longer it takes, the more likely I am to lose him to someone else. Like Makayla, who seems to think she can just change and get him back. Or Miranda, who likes to stalk my page and freak me out. Anyway, I'm afraid of losing him. He says that won't happen, promises even, but it's just so hard to believe him. Which is completely not his fault. I just have trust issues because of Aaron, who had also promised to never hurt me and that I'd never lose him. But I did. But again, that's not Adam's fault, so I'm trying to trust and believe him, especially since he's NOT Aaron and he's never given me a reason not to. So I'm doing my best, it's just hard.

Not only is it hard to trust him, but feeling the way I do is beyond scary. I guess that's kinda because of the trust thing. I'm afraid he's going to hurt me. When you like someone this much, you become vulnerable. And I hate being vulnerable. But these feelings for him are just too strong to ignore, so I have no choice but to be that way. Though, I'm glad he's the one that I'm being vulnerable to.. Because he's amazing, and there's no one I'd rather be handing my heart over to.

Last night we were texting, as usual. I was laying in my bed crying, like I said, because I didn't get to see him. I was quite upset. He told me to stop crying, but I still couldn't. He also told me he had been crying off and on too. That made me sad. I don't ever want him upset. But here in real life, we all get upset sometimes. So it also kinda made me feel slightly better. Because his reason for it, I believe, was the same as mine. He was crying because he missed the chance to see me. At least, that's what I understood.

It sucks so bad because we'd already been waiting for what seems like forever, and now it could be summer before we get another opportunity. I'm hoping there's some way we can before that, like a weekend or spring break (which is next week). But he'd have to come to me, since I can't afford another trip there for a while. That would be amazing, but I'm not going to count on it happening or anything.
Anyway, back to last night. I did eventually stop crying. It just took a while. And even once I did, I still felt like complete shit. We kept texting and eventually he told me a joke. Completely corny, but cute. This is how it went: Him- "What do you get when you cross the sun with candy?" Me-"Uhh, no idea. What?" Him-"Trish! Get it? Cause the sun is hot and candy is sweet." Haha, you're hot and sweet too, babe. ;]

The joke made me smile. He said he knew more, so I told him to tell me a few on my voicemail. After discussing it for a few minutes, he called. I pulled the mean trick he had pulled on me, and I answered it. The good part is, we actually got to have another real conversation. The bad... He didn't handle it the same way I did, which I woulda loved to witness. And also, he called me mean. BUT, technically, I had said I could have someone answer the phone, so he should have prepared for that. So anyway, on to the good part.. FINALLY! I know. We stayed on the phone for around an hour and a half, even though it was already 3:00 AM when it started. The conversation wasn't really much of anything, then there was actually a period where we were texting each other rather than speaking. Yet we stayed on the phone. But I wanted to, because as odd and creeperish as this may sound, I took comfort in hearing him breath.

But then he asked me to do something. It was one simple request but it was nearly impossible for me to do. He wanted me to tell him how I feel about him. Right then and there. On the phone. With him listening. It was hard enough doing it before on his voicemail. But this was worse. I'm not good with telling people I like them and things like that. Especially when the guy is as amazing and perfect as Adam. I didn't want to say something that sounded stupid or weird or anything. And even though he's told me how he feels, I'm still always afraid of rejection. It took me a reeeeallyyyy loooonngggggg time [and that's still putting it lightly] to tell him. But I finally did. I told him why I'm scared and that I like him a lot and he's uber special and important to me. Then it took me a while to get him to tell me. But he eventually did, and that was what made me happy. Some of it was stuff I had already heard, like how he likes me a lot and such. But the one thing that he said that really stood out.. The one thing that I can still fully hear his voice saying was "I could say I'm falling in love with you." I don't know if I've known it all along for myself, but when he said that.. I realized that I could say I'm falling in love with him too.

Some people may think this is crazy, especially since we've never actually met. But I can't explain it. Just the chemistry we have.. It's perfect. He's EVERYTHING I have ever wanted and more. And I'm not saying I AM in love with him, just that I'm falling. Which just makes me even more scared. I've been in love once before in my life.. With Aaron. And though I've moved on and have done my best to forget him, he will always be my first love and a part of me. And he really hurt me. But as I said before, Adam and Aaron are two different people. I had problems with Aaron.. It should have been obvious things weren't going to work despite our silly plans to get married and move in together and everything. That's over now, and now I have Adam. Though we aren't dating, we still have this kind of closeness. I feel like we could be together and things could actually work. We don't fight, and the only thing we ever disagree on is who is cuter or more amazing. Those seem like arguments I could handle having on a daily basis forever.

Anyway, the whole point in this super long blog is to explain how upset I am about not meeting him in person, and also how happy he makes me and how much I like him. I know I kinda already explained in my last blog, but my feelings for him get stronger every day. He's absolutely amazing and perfect in every aspect of the word. Sure, a person can never be "perfect" but what I mean is that he's perfect to me. It's impossible not to be falling for him. This guy could be something super amazing. And though right now I feel like I may never know, I know deep down that I really just need to give it time. As much as I don't want to wait to see him, it'll happen when the time is right. Everything happens for a reason, I always say.

So when that time to meet him face to face does come, and I'm nervous to bits, scared he's going to change his mind about me, freakin out, hoping I don't say or do something wrong or stupid.. I'll still be having a good time. And I hope that it takes us somewhere new. Because even though we both seem to feel pretty much the same way about each other, we're still only friends. And actually being with Adam would be the single most amazing thing to ever happen. Not too long ago, I was saying that he was stealing my heart. But now, looking at this all, I believe differently now. He HAS stolen my heart. But I know he'll keep it safe. <3